


come and go

by mimiwrites



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou - Freeform, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Drunken Confessions, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Pining, but nothing graphic, rating for that and language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimiwrites/pseuds/mimiwrites
Summary: Atsumu is fine pretending that his relationship with Sakusa is just for fun, that it doesn’t mean anything. That way he won’t get hurt again, like all the previous times he’d fallen for someone. It’s fine, until he gets drunk and accidentally confesses to Sakusa.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 42
Kudos: 515





	come and go

**Author's Note:**

> based off the song “come & go” by juice wrld and marshmello

Atsumu had woken up in Sakusa’s bed so many times, he really should have been used it by now. He even had his own toothbrush in the bathroom, since Sakusa refused to kiss him until he’d brushed his teeth, and under no circumstances would share his own. He had an outfit or two in the dresser, a few of his favorite snacks in the pantry. And yet, he was still finding himself a little surprised by the familiarity of it all. 

“Leaving?” Sakusa asked him as he placed their clean tea mugs on the drying rack. 

“Yeah,” Atsumu replied, slipping on his shoes by the door. “Gonna go see ‘Samu for a bit, then hit the gym.”

Sakusa hummed and walked over, no doubt to lock the door after he left. When Atsumu stood in the doorway smirking at him, he scowled. 

“What?” 

“I’m waitin’ for my goodbye kiss.”

“You’re insatiable, aren’t you?”

“Come on, Omi, I can't leave without a goodbye kiss!”

He continued to stand there with a cheeky grin on his face. Sakusa nearly rolled his eyes, but shook his head instead. For a moment, Atsumu thought he might slam the door in his face. But then Sakusa was leaning forward, bringing his hand to the back of Atsumu’s neck, and pressing their lips together. 

What should have been a quick, or at least chaste, kiss, turned out to be quite tender. Atsumu held on to Sakusa’s waist like an anchor, worried he would float into oblivion if he didn’t. He licked into Sakusa’s mouth and could still taste the chamomile on his tongue. 

It made his head dizzy, being kissed like this. Passion and ecstasy, sure, he could handle that. Being kissed so roughly his lips would bleed, that all thoughts left his body, replaced later by the pleasure of sex—Yes, that he was used to. 

This type of kiss was saved for lovers, for soulmates, if such a thing really existed. This was a kiss that spoke a thousand words, all synonymous with affection and adoration. This was a kiss that eclipsed all others and made Atsumu wonder if he’d ever kissed anyone at all before. 

Then he felt a hand on his chest, right over his heart, and he was being gently pushed out the door. Atsumu was able to sneak in a couple more quick kisses before letting go. He smiled at Sakusa, goofy and dumbstruck, eyes half lidded. 

“See you later,” Sakusa teased lightly. His expression was softer than Atsumu had ever seen it. His heart skipped a beat in his chest. 

“Yeah,” Atsumu said. 

Sakusa snorted and finally closed the door, leaving Atsumu to figure out why he felt so conflicted about the emotions stirring in his heart. 

  
  


[I try to be everything that I can

But sometimes I come out as bein' nothin']

  
  


Atsumu felt his heart tugged in about a thousand different directions as he walked to the station. It palpitated nervously as he stepped on the train. He attempted to swallow it down before he entered his brother’s restaurant. 

He wished he could have held on to that floaty feeling for just a little while longer, before his treacherous brain had to come in and ruin it. Because, it would all be ruined soon, wouldn’t it? Things had been going so well, which must mean something bad was going to happen soon. All of his other relationships had turned out that way, so why was he so bothered now?

Sakusa was a prickly jerk, most of the time, always nagging on him for something. Sure, he was also considerate and kind, in his own quiet way. Even their arguing had turned into something damn-near affectionate. Sakusa always knew when Atsumu wasn’t in the mood to be teased. He’d make sure he was eating well and staying healthy, that he was resting. He always had Atsumu’s back, and pushed him to try harder. And—

Oh. He’d gone and fallen in love with Sakusa Kiyoomi, hadn’t he?

Atsumu scowled at the bar, unable to finish his food. 

“Oi, what’s the matter?” Osamu drawled, an annoyance in his voice that sent a shiver down Atsumu’s spine. “You don’t like my cooking?”

“No, no!” Atsumu defended, throwing his arms up just in case his brother decided to smack him. “It's good, I’m just not hungry.”

“Yeah, ok. So what’s up?”

“Whaddya mean?”

“You’re always hungry, so somethin’ must be wrong. What happened?”

Atsumu really hated Osamu sometimes.

“Nothin’ happened,” he lied. 

Osamu stared at him quietly, making Atsumu squirm and avert his eyes. A bead of sweat crept down the back of his neck. 

“This is about Sakusa, huh?”

Atsumu groaned and put his head over his crossed arms on the counter. Having a twin was so unfair. 

“How’d ya know?”

“You’re my twin brother.”

Atsumu gave a noncommittal laugh. So unfair. 

“Didya have a fight or somethin’?” Osamu asked. 

Atsumu sighed and turned his head to the side. 

“Nah. Things have been pretty good, actually.”

“So what’re you mopin’ for?”

“I just…” Atsumu sighed again. “I don’t wanna fuck this up.”

“So don’t,” Osamu told him bluntly. “You always do this. You like someone, pursue ‘em, they like you back. Then when things start to get serious, you start lookin’ for problems and get so distant that they eventually leave yer sorry ass.” 

“Wow, don’t try and hold back…” Atsumu muttered, but he knew Osamu was right. “I don’t wanna lose him.”

“You really like him, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah I really do.”

“So tell him,” Osamu shrugged. 

Atsumu put his head in his hands and groaned. “But what if that ruins everything?”

“Whaddya so scared of?”

“What if we break up? What if I end up fallin’ for someone else? What if he does? What if he ends up hatin’ me? What if—“

“‘Tsumu,” Osamu interrupted. “Stop. You’re torturin’ yourself just makin’ up scenarios in your head.”

“I know, I know,” Atsumu sighed. “I’m thinkin’ too much.”

“It never was your strong suit,” Osamu teased, and they both smiled. “Just talk to him.”

“It’s not that simple,” Atsumu whined. 

“How dya know?”

“How do you?” Atsumu countered. “You and Sunarin have been together since high school! You guys were made for each other.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s always been easy,” Osamu shot back. “Just because we love each other doesn’t mean we don’t have our problems or never fight. I mean, look at the two of us. We always fought, but you’re still my brother, and I’m always gonna love you no matter what.”

“Sap,” Atsumu smiled, but it was the same for him. 

The two brothers sat in quiet contemplation. Atsumu knew Osamu was right, but that didn’t take away his anxiety. He hated not knowing what was going to happen. The uncertainty swirled around in his gut to the point where he felt nauseous. It was like chasing the rabbit; once he started following one bad thought, he’d end up falling down a hole of increasingly worse scenarios. 

“Ya know,” Osamu said quietly. “Rin and I almost broke up last year.”

“What?” It was like his brother just dropped a bomb on him. “Why didn’t ya tell me?”

Osamu shrugged. “I didn’t tell anyone.”

“What happened?”

“We got in this huge fight. Over somethin’ small. But things had been brewin’ for a while cuz we refused to talk about it. So it all just kinda blew up at once.”

Atsumu felt guilt stab at his chest. How did he not even realize? 

“I wish ya woulda told me,” he said. 

“Eh, you just got on the Jackals, I didn’t wanna make ya worry,” Osamu replied. “Really, it’s fine. It’s on me. And things are good now, anyway.”

“How’d ya make up?”

“We talked.” That was not what Atsumu wanted to hear. “We knew we had problems, but we both loved each other and wanted to work through it together, so we did.”

Atsumu groaned. Why couldn’t there be an easier solution? Osamu laughed at his miserable state. 

“Quit bein’ so melodramatic, it’s not like you’re incapable of talkin’. Usually I can’t shut ya up.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Atsumu muttered, but it lacked any real bite. 

“Just talk to him, ‘Tsumu.”

“I’ll try, ‘Samu.”

  
  


[I don't wanna ruin this one

This type of love don't always come and go]

  
  


Sakusa wasn’t a huge fan of team hangouts, especially any that took place in a bar, but he had been tagging along for most of them recently. Which was good, in Atsumu’s case, because that meant he had someone of sound mind to take him home after. 

They were in Sakusa’s bed, a tangle of limbs as Atsumu drunkenly pressed kisses anywhere he found his mouth to be near. He tried to climb into Sakusa’s lap, but was held in place on his side with firm, far more sober hands. 

“Not tonight,” Sakusa told him. 

“‘m jus’ kissin’ ya,” Atsumu slurred. 

“Mm, that’s fine then.”

They smiled at each other, like this was some inside joke. And perhaps it was, how many times had this happened already? Atsumu was sure eventually Sakusa would get tired of taking care of his drunk ass, but he hadn’t yet. 

It made him feel warm to his core. He felt invincible, like he could do anything, but also so content that he didn’t want to move. Sakusa’s arms wrapped around him as he nuzzled his way into his chest. His heartbeat matched his own. 

“Ya always take such good care of me,” Atsumu sighed contentedly. 

“Someone has to,” Sakusa replied. 

Atsumu tried to look at him, to see the smile he was sure was there, but his eyelids felt heavy. 

“Mm, ‘dya care ‘bout me?” he teased. 

“Of course.”

It was said with such sincerity, that for that moment Atsumu let himself believe it. Maybe this was all a dream, anyway. It felt like a good one, at least. 

“Mm,” he hummed happily. “I care about you. Like, so… much.”

“Yes, yes.” He felt hands in his hair, beckoning him to sleep. 

“You believe me, don’tcha?”

“Sure.”

“Omi,” Atsumu whined into his neck. “I care about you more than anyone else. But shh, don’t tell ‘Samu that.”

“You’re drunk, go to sleep.”

“No,” he whined again. “Not ‘til, ‘til you believe me.”

“Ok, ok,” Sakusa relented. “I believe you.”

“Really?”

“Yes, now goodnight.”

Atsumu sighed dreamily, stupid smile adorning his face. This moment, this embrace, this man; felt like it was his entire world. 

“Mm, ok Omi. ‘Gnight. I love you.”

Atsumu jolted up with a start, sending painful pulses to his head. He looked around frantically with squinting eyes, and realized it was now morning, and Sakusa was not in his bed. He felt bile crawling up his throat, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the hangover or not. 

On the nightstand were a glass of water and painkillers, which he took immediately. He had to take his time getting out of bed and stumbling to Sakusa’s bathroom. Splashing cold water on his face, he finally looked at himself in the mirror. He looked as shitty as he felt. 

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did he have to drink so much last night? Why couldn’t he just keep his big mouth shut? Maybe there was a chance that Sakusa didn’t hear him, or that he dreamed it, or that Sakusa didn’t remember either (no, no chance, he only had the one drink at the bar.)

He smelled coffee from the kitchen, and realized Sakusa was home, and that he’d have to face him sooner or later. Dread weighed him down heavily. Why did he have to say it? 

Atsumu peaked his head into the kitchen, unable to resist any longer the necessity for some coffee. He could do this. He could have this conversation like a grown adult. 

Sakusa was at the counter, drinking from a mug and reading something on his phone. His curls were a mess, clearly not having been brushed yet, and Atsumu thought he was the most beautiful person in the entire world. Sakusa looked up when he came in, and Atsumu instinctively looked away. 

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

“Oh, you’re awake,” Sakusa said. He couldn’t read his tone, and that just made the anxiety worse. 

“Unfortunately,” Atsumu groaned. 

“Sit, I’ll pour you a cup. Did you take those painkillers?”

“Yup.”

“Good.”

It was painfully silent apart from the noises of pouring coffee. Just a little cream, no sugar. Sakusa knew how Atsumu liked it. He passed the mug to him silently, Atsumu offering a quiet thanks. 

It was still so painfully quiet. 

“So—“

“God, I can’t believe I drank so much last night,” Atsumu interrupted. He laughed, nervous and fake and cracked. “I was really drunk, wasn’t I?”

“You were…” Sakusa said carefully. Again, Atsumu couldn’t gauge his tone. Fuck, was he mad? Was he uncomfortable? Was he going to tell Atsumu he didn’t feel the same, that they had to stop this whole thing since feelings were now involved?

“Sorry for making ya take care of me.” His smile was so forced it hurt his face. “Hope I wasn’t too much trouble.”

“You…”

“Can't remember a damn thing,” Atsumu lied. He knew he was rambling now, but just couldn’t stop the words flooding out from his dumb mouth. “That’s the last time I try to drink Bokkun under the table.”

Sakusa nodded and said nothing. It felt like the walls were closing in, and Atsumu wished they would crush him so he wouldn’t have to deal with this. He wished he could make himself pass out, or get a serious phone call from his mother, something, anything, so that he wouldn’t have to face Sakusa right now. 

“You… really don’t remember anything?” Sakusa asked quietly, and the dread nearly made him throw up. 

“Nope,” Atsumu muttered. He stared into his mug so he wouldn’t have to look Sakusa in the eye while he lied to him. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

A beat of silence, followed by another. Atsumu sipped on his coffee, not sure what else to do. When he finished, Sakusa washed the cup for him despite his protests. For some reason, it made him feel even more guilty. 

Unable to bear the weight of it any longer, Atsumu made up an excuse and left. 

  
  
  


[Guess I got it all wrong all along, my fault

My mistakes probably wipe all the rights I've done]

  
  
  


The next two weeks were agonizing. They barely spoke, only ever at practice, and only ever about practice. They didn’t touch, didn’t kiss, certainly didn’t fuck. But it was just being in Sakusa’s presence that Atsumu missed the most. 

It was driving him insane, the wedge he caused between them. It was like a crack in the earth, growing wider and wider with each day. Atsumu was miserable, but he didn’t know what to do. 

He was too ashamed to tell Osamu, because he knew what his brother would say. It’s not an answer he was willing to face just yet.

He hoped Sakusa would reach out first, but he never did. So for two weeks Atsumu worked himself into an anxious wreck, until he eventually cracked. 

He texted Sakusa a simple ‘hey can we talk?’ and was told to come over to his apartment later that night. He nearly threw up only three times before making it there, having to wait outside the building for fifteen minutes because he came early. When he knocked on the door, he was almost surprised to see how tired Sakusa looked. 

How hadn’t he noticed before? He must’ve been so wrapped up in his own thoughts and feelings that he completely missed that Sakusa was affected too. 

God, he sucked. 

“Hey,” Atsumu said awkwardly. He stood in the entryway, not sure what to do. 

“Hey,” Sakusa replied softly. “Do you want something to drink?”

“Ah, no thanks, I’m good.”

“I just made some tea, you should have some.”

“Ok.”

They had their drinks at the counter, almost a mirror of how they’d been two weeks ago. Everything was as Atsumu had remembered it, except for the few dishes in Sakusa’s sink. It was unlike him, but he didn’t want to bring it up. 

“So,” Atsumu finally said, deciding to just plunge in before he let his legs take him out the door. “About… the other night. I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

Atsumu scratched the back of his head, and looked in the corner. Was that dust?

“For droppin’ that on ya, the way I did.”

“So you did remember.” Sakusa said it more like a confirmation, not a question. 

“Yeah…”

“So you lied.”

The dagger lodged in Atsumu’s chest was pushed deeper. 

“Why?” Sakusa pressed. 

“I dunno,” Atsumu sighed miserably. “It just—it’s not like we’ve talked about—I mean, we’re not even dating.”

As the words left his mouth he regretted them instantly. Sakusa looked affronted, and Atsumu’s brain was already jumping to his own defense. Why should he be mad by that? They aren’t dating, they’ve never gone on a real date, they’ve just been sleeping together. Sure, sometimes Atsumu comes over and all they do is cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. But they’ve never talked about what it, what this, was. He’d never heard Sakusa refer to him as a boyfriend, so why should he assume they were?

Fuck, did Sakusa want them to be boyfriends? Did he? 

“So, you just run away?” Sakusa asked, cold and bitter, pushing deeper the blade in Atsumu’s heart. 

“I thought you wanted space,” Atsumu murmured. “You like bein’ alone sometimes.”

“Yes, but—not. Not with you.”

It felt like Sakusa dropped a weight on him. 

“I…” Atsumu trailed off. “I’m just not good at this.”

“So, what? Are we done?”

Atsumu whipped his head up, feeling like that knife in his chest just pierced his whole heart. Sakusa looked angry, and hurt, and tired, and broken. 

“Kiyoomi…” Was this it? Was this how it ended? Osamu’s words rang in his mind. When things get serious, you start looking for problems. So was this just going to be another one of his failed relationships, his disastrous attempts at love?

Nah. Fuck that. 

“I—I’m sorry. No, I don’t want that. I don’t want that at all,” Atsumu choked out. “Fuck, I really fucked this up, huh? I just…”

“Just what?” Sakusa pressed. He could barely make out through his own bleary vision that Sakusa’s eyes were red and glossy too. 

“I know I’m...not the easiest person to be with,” he continued. “But god, I want this to work. I want this to work so bad. I want this to last.”

“What… are you saying?”

Atsumu sighed and dug his palms into his aching eyes. He had to do this. If he wanted to fight for this, he had to drop the act and finally get real. 

“Every relationship I’ve had has ended in flames, I didn’t want that to happen to us. And I tried so hard, so hard to not fall in love with you,” Sakusa made a startled choking noise when he said this, “but I did anyway. You make me wanna be better, ya know? Not just as a setter. Like, as a person.”

Sakusa didn’t say anything, he just kept staring at Atsumu with a shocked, almost broken, look on his face. 

“Please, Kiyoomi,” Atsumu begged. “Tell me what you want me to be, and I’ll be it. I’ll do whatever you want to make this work.”

He watched as Sakusa looked down at his own palms, which had been held in tight fists to the point that his nails had cut into his skin. Atsumu wanted so badly to close the chasm between them and take those shaking hands into his own, place soft kisses on them to melt the pain away. But he knew better. Frankly, he wasn’t sure if he even deserved it.

“You’ve always been like this,” Sakusa said quietly. 

Atsumu furrowed his brows, trying to follow. 

“You act so full of yourself to hide how self conscious you are. You’re possibly the most self-critical person I’ve ever met. I know that’s why you practice so much. But, Atsumu…” Sakusa stopped to take a much needed breath. They were both crying a bit by this point. “I just want you. As you. You don’t have to pretend to be someone else for me. Because… you’re the one I fell in love with.”

It took a few moments for the words to wash over him and settle in. As he blinked, a couple more tears fell. It was such a shock to his system to hear those words, to hear Sakusa of all people say it. It didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel like he was worthy. But god if it isn’t all he ever wanted. 

“You’re not the only one bad at this,” Sakusa mumbled, taking a step closer. He reached out and gently grabbed Atsumu’s hand, just his fingers, and brushed his thumb over his knuckles. “I’ve never… dated before. But I want to. If it’s you.”

“Yeah?” Atsumu whimpered, voice raw. “You mean it?”

“Yes, so… you’ll be my boyfriend, won’t you?”

Atsumu couldn’t hold back any longer, he leaned up and pressed a desperate kiss against Sakusa’s lips. He couldn’t believe that even after all the shit he put Sakusa through, he wanted to stay around, he wanted him. The wounds of his previous rejections and fallouts nearly completely faded away, leaving behind only light scars. When Sakusa rested his hands on the back of Atsumu’s neck, he felt better, more whole, somehow. Yeah, he wasn’t going to let this go. 

  
  
  


[Sayin' goodbye to bygones, those are bygones

Head up, baby, stay strong, we gon' live long]

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhhhhhhhhhh?
> 
> i really love reading comments!
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/fakeanimeboi?lang=en)


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